Fast Track to #30

Obviously the past 10 days I would have absolutely nothing to add to my already very dry existence. It is with my greatest pleasure (it will be short-lived) to say that I've completed the draft and it's been submitted, and I am officially out of Confinement. Yes, a free bird. For now.

Confinement Day #17, #18, #19, #20

The past three days went like a blur. If I did not remember wrongly, it was actually fine weather on #17 and #18, but I chose to spend all four days in my room. I feel somehow there is no time to spare. I am counting down and there is just too much to read and write, before it is presentable for critique. So then I was at Chapter 4 and it came very quickly, well, a lot more than the rest at least, flowed nicely with Chapter 3 and 1. Chapter 2 stood out like a sore thumb, yet it was somehow essential. It was an important 'past' that was neglected or misrepresentation. Finding someone to examine that would be different. PJC emailed to ask if I knew anyone. CCH replied, thank goodness. Maybe he hadn't seen the email yet, maybe just maybe he wasn't aware of my stupidity yet, I don't know if I should be thankful or not. In which case, it was a good lesson learned. It made me found the site - which says it all. I appeal with my charm but yet my personality is an "acquired taste". Over-wrought with emotions yet determined to be 'true' oneself at all times. C would attest to that - hers was pretty true too. She called just now; was in a mighty mood over the 'system' here - no names - but we know where. Everything was just way too slow and way too laid-back. Seriously, people need to eat. Being a do-er, she has to do something, she can't just stay home all day. So the comparisons were made - in the US it would never be like this, in .... etc. I think, I told her, I've been quite numbed, having had my share of horror stories. It is rent day tomorrow. Thinking if I should buy a television. The one out there died. And I really need one for my weekly Heroes fix.

Confinement Day #16

Several things are bugging me today. First of all CCH still hasn't replied my email which I find really weird because he used to be really prompt with such things. And then it makes me wonder why that is happening. (OK, I went to re-read one of my emails) And geez what an idiot I am. I can't believe I actually wrote that. What was I thinking? How could I do something as stupid as that knowing especially that the world is absolutely SMALL. And I think I have confirmed certain facts that for sure the email (horrors of horrors) might be circulating. I can't believe I am actually dumb enough or naive enough to do something like that. But I can't reverse it. It's done. I can only learn from my lesson. And the only way I can learn from my lesson would be to from now onwards not write stupid emails like that. I think my only carthasis would be to tell PJC about it. What a disappointment. It only shows what an idiot I am.  

Confinement Day #15

C just msg-ed me to say LeeUhn aka "the goofy one" in Coffee Prince has passed away after a bike accident. I was shocked. Like how I was shocked to know that Heath Ledger had passed away. I know I am not related to them, and in LeeUhn's case, I don't even feel much about his character, but it is still very sad to hear news about a fine human being passing on before their time. Well, maybe it is their time but I guess what I mean is that it is an unnatural death. It's just sad. I only hope that they've had a good life no matter how brief it was and that they had suffered little. Today was my favourite day because there is Amazing Race and Heroes. That's all I look forward to these days. RP told me that her talk was good yesterday and JC was in a great mood. She will be giving her paper at two more conferences. I know she worked hard for them and I am happy for her, but somehow I feel envy creeping in. How I wish I could have the guts to stand in front of an audience, no matter how small or big, and speak confidently. I can't. I just can't. So till then I am just going to hide behind the paper and the computer. I emailed SV today. No I didn't send her the photo, I guess I just wasn't sure, having had pretty bad responses from email correspondance with 'artists'. So, I thought I should keep it simple. Can-Talk circulated an announcement for NSFA contributions and I thought she would be interested so I sent it to her. No other reason really. She responded with kindness and I guess we would speak soon. Also waiting for CCH to reply my email. Had some questions for him. Fingers crossed. 

Confinement Day #14

Today turned out to be an exceptionally productive day for the first part. I realised that I enjoy reading raw data than processed data. I hate reading analysis that are really ramblings. I hate it when they have a point because I would have to incorporate it somehow in my work, and reference them. But doing so, we know have disadvantages, you run the risk of having your work made up of stolen opinions. There are several reasons why I should look forward to tomorrow. A) I will be going to the library and it won't be just returning and borrowing (hunting down) books but actual sit-down read-and-refer activity B) If RP isn't on campus then I would have to eat a lonesome one like my many others that I have C) I will be buying kimchi and what nots from the korean supermarkets at Pitt Street D) There is Heroes and Amazing Race (woohoo). So yeah, four fantastic reasons why tomorrow would be completely different from today and the day before, and the day before etc. You get my point. ED called. That's because he was returning my call made yesterday. He sounded totally bored, and unexcited to hear my voice. I think it is a done-deal, Virgos and Cancerians just do not get along. He was completely disinterested in what I have to say, and equally disinterested to talk about anything. It's good to know that there are people out there who are not self-centred. But on the flipside, perhaps it's so extreme that he is absolutely oblivious of the existence of OTHERS other than himself. I don't know. OH WELL. Tomorrow.

Confinement Day #10, #11, #12, #13

For four days, I have done absolutely nothing worth blogging. I have no thoughts. Nothing to say whatsoever. I have officially achieved the level of being completely zombified. There was nothing in my existence that is worth penning down. Isn't that terrible? Isn't that just terrible? Reduced to a rambling persona. That's 'me'. I can only hope that by #30, I am still sane.

Confinement Day #9

Today turned out to be surprisingly productive. I was resolute to figure out  the objective of writing Chapter 1, yes it's important, but how so? Why is it important? Is it really important? Such questions continued until I was happy with the outcome. I am pleased to say I am somewhat happy with the outcome, not entirely though. I feel that I am hitting on a nail, but whether it's at the spot I need it to be, that's still a question mark - but very soon I will have to account for it. After this, I know I can't delay it any further, I must start on my conclusion. I have also found very comfortable and conducive spots in the house. My favourite is naturally the garden. But that is dependent on the weather. If the fine weather holds up, I will spend the mornings and afternoons working on the garden table. It was really nice today - the Poinsettia are blooming and so are the buttercups above the shed. And birds! There were so many species, I don't know which kinds, but they were having a great time bathing in the pond, picking at the grass, and just flying about. I have the urge to pick up my paint brushes and my charcoals to start drawing them, but I resisted it. I have to concentrate and focus. All that can wait till after 30 October. So determined am I to complete the paper. I am proud that I am disciplined but at the same time disappointed that I can't make more out of my life - wouldn't it be so much more meaningful to channel my energy to helping someone? To really make a difference in someone's life? All these obstacles in my way - my youthfulness, my height, my gender, my shyness - it puts me at such a disadvantage all the time. I had Thai red curry today for lunch and dinner, compliments from my landlord. So kind of her to think of me. Yes, I am lucky. Sometimes.

Confinement Day #8

Heroes is back. And it's great. Hate the ads though. I timed it - commercial breaks came every 5 minutes. Geez.

Confinement Day #7

I signed up for unlimited Skype calls back home today. It's too good to be true, 6 dollars a month. Not that I have much to say this time round, unlike in the past. J attributes it to 'age'. She said, and I still remember, we were at Hyde park having coffee, and it was a glorious day, that it's a sign of maturity. Well, I shall reserve my opinions on that one. Changed my schedule a little today, decided instead to watch the film while having dinner. Because of the structure of the living room, it has become quite difficult for me to multi-task in front of the TV, so no more TV dinners for me. Today I decided I will do just that on my laptop, while it's not quite dark. Its been a while since I last picked up a horror flick and this time round, I did it only because there wasn't anything else to choose, and I like Cate and Keanu. The Gift turned out to be a slow paced supernatural thriller that had kept me glued to the seat and wishing I had not rented it in the first place. Keanu still looked good despite all the beard. I looked it up and realised it was a 2000 film, which surprisingly felt both recent and 'old' at the same time. It's afterall the tail end of 2008. Time flies.

Confinement Day #6

I fear I am running out of 'mojo'. Good news, the intro is shaping up and almost good to go. Bad news, chapter 1 is in a mess and today marks the beginning of a nightmare. The Prof wrote to me today, and right at the start of the day which is a bad thing because it affected me the entire day - not physically but it (hang on, the phone is ringing) That was C. Yes, where was I, but it was at the back of my mind. I read the email at least 20 times, and I do not think it is possible for him to structure it in such a manner without some preknowledge of the fact that ET could have seen my draft. I fervently hope that the Prof will choose, and choose wisely, the person to examine my paper. I am reminded of those good old days when seemingly unqualified tutors had given me a mark I do not deserve; fortunately we get to appeal, and the course coordinator, normally the lecturer and professor of the faculty will be the one reviewing it, agrees with me. But all that trouble! If only my Prof could be the one examining it. They should make exceptions. Afterall, there isn't any one more qualified than him. Am I not analyzing xyz against a theory he built his career on? I doubt the appointed examiner would have deciphered his book the way I had - speaking of which, I realised that I actually enjoyed reading it now. Which is scary. (A) It means I understand it (B) It also means I am officially a transformed-geek. Today was terribly geekish, I planted myself at different parts of the house - first the dining table, then in front of the heater on the floor, then the garden table under the scorching sun, then back indoors on the mat, also under the sun, before finally on the couch. That's the position the landlord found me. She was back very early and instead of being over at-the-other-side cooking or doing what-nots, she was here at-this-side, boiling water, checking email and doing her what-nots. She said she came back early because she wasn't feeling well and did housework and so forth, so now she was going to prepare for bed. At 7. It was clear she dreaded work, she said as much, her expression said as much. D just msg me the same - that he must be undergoing mid-life crisis because he hated work. I guess the only work we could enjoy is work we don't get paid for. But then again, you can't call that work, even though it is. I am working. Very hard.

Confinement Day #5

The Thai curry was really good. Well,  most of it. Not the chicken heart bit but everything else was fine. Human contact was good for me, RP was concerned. She felt that even in her most productive moments (translate most zombified moments) she had her family check in on her to "see if she is still breathing". The picture I paint to the others must seem awfully bleak for them to extend their companionship to me. I do call home regularly. I do stay online perpetually. And I do do things that would keep myself entertained and happy - like the ice cream coffee I made today was really good, that's an example. Plus, I did get 7 weeklies instead of 5; same girl told me that you can't use the voucher on a public holiday. She wasn't very friendly initially - I think she mistook me for someone else. And then she finally realised I do contribute to her salary, that's when she started being nice. My dad once pointed out that you can create a profile of a person - tastes - based on the genre of movies one like. But I just realised that even from the selection one makes, one cannot disregard the fact that it was from a list preselected for you to choose. I didn't have much of a choice today; in fact I was pretty sure, I would not watch those I had selected if (1) I had more choices (2) I did not have to choose SEVEN (3) there were more things to watch than one hour of 'Heroes' this week. So much for profiling. But having said that, they were still preferred choices over the others and that would still reveal something about my 'tastes' I guess. (Or rather, who are my favourite actors/actresses). I also discovered something interesting about D today. For someone who is so quiet and disinterested in engaging in a verbal dialogue with anybody, except on the rare occasions when he decides he needs to, is very expressive when it comes to describing his blisters. He couldn't stop talking about it both yesterday and today. In fact he sms-ed me just to tell me the various stages of their progress i.e. how the 'juice' (he calls them juice!) is oozing out and what it does to his socks and bedsheets. Speaking of progress, I am nearly finishing my introduction. Keyword: Nearly.

Confinement Day #4

It was too cold today to sit in the garden. Besides it's a Sunday - this means everyone is home. True we get our own space - the advantages of living in a granny flat that is self-contained means you know someone is around if and when you need help but you don't get to see them. Which is great, but yes the garden is 'common' area. The landlord came by with food, it was so nice of her. She could tell, I looked like I could do with some TLC. Chilli is good for you, she says, it helps your brain to think. I am going to finish it all up. So sweet of her. And I am invited to her place for dinner tomorrow. Apparently it's going to be Thai green curry. And it's going to be authentic. So much for solitude. RP wrote to me asking if I've had enough of performance art and artists because there is going to be a whole line up of them this week, being art festival week and all. But no, I said, I am near the brink of being zombified, and it wasn't easy getting to this stage, the rites of passage to this state could be long and painful and having gone through at least half of it, I know I cannot give up. She knew instantly what I was talking about. And I knew exactly what she meant when she made the comment on performance artists. I came across a text by PB and felt so tempted to send it to LW - "All critics declare not only their judgement of the work but also their claim to the right to talk about it and judge it." That's language I say. Love is a language, I was just thinking to myself last night, after quarrelling with D. You can't describe love - you can only try. And only another person who has loved would 'know' KNOW what you mean. It's like trying to describe smell. You can't. Oh I lost an hour today. Well I know I will gain it back next year, some time in April if I am not wrong, but still, 'today' zoomed by quite quickly. It doesn't help that I woke up at 10.30 but realised it was really 11.30. Despite that, I continued marching forward and am glad to say I've cleared some ground today. Tomorrow is a public holiday. But to really appreciate this day you have to be employed. What matters to me is that tomorrow is Confinement Day #5.

Confinement Day #3

You get a sense of achievement sometimes just by keeping track of something - like days, for example. Each day is an accomplishment in itself, not that anything that is worth accrediting as an accomplishment took place but it is an accomplishment in itself to say that you've spent x number of days, doing x number of things. It's like giving it 'value'. OK so it's day 3 and yes today I decided I really could not eat any more noodles - not glass noodles, not egg noodles, not instant noodles (the koreans call it ramen btw), and because I really did not feel like dragging the rice cooker out from the cupboard and from experience, know I need to do a lot more than getting it out to begin using it. I thought, I should try out something new - that is cook rice using a pot. I did that, and it worked fine. Now I can start planning something more creative - green curry maybe, or japanese curry, or stir-fry...yum, just the thought of it makes my mouth water. How does 4 days of solitude and at least 25 more feel - it makes you hungry. You look forward to meal times, even if it's just cooking for ONE. And you look forward to silly things like Dodgeball and Men In Black. When C asked yesterday when was the longest I've not spoken to anyone - I asked, is talking to myself counted? She laughed. Erm, no. Right, then I guess a couple of days I don't know maybe that is something I should start keeping track of? Anyway she said for her it was 3 and when she went to the supermarket to buy food, even a hello how are you from the cashier she had trouble responding. That's what solitude does to a person. But strangely, I enjoy it. It may appear to the outsider, incredibly lonely, but it's not. I sat in the garden today and felt the cool breeze against my face, the birds were singing different tunes, it was just awesome. Oh and yes, here is a quote worth recording - it's from my dad - he said, just keep walking. I was feeling a tad depressed - what was I going to do after Confinement Day #30? That's right, even if you don't know the direction or the destination, there is no reason to stop. And then, there is Confinement Day #4 to look forward to. 

Confinement Day #2

This deserves mention. Heroes must die. With sham regret, Hoffman agreed. (Stranger Than Fiction) It completes the story. Well, not quite if we recall the ending - Crick did not die, and neither did Harry Potter. Yes but that's because it IS fiction. In the 'real' world, heroes must die. JBJ passed away on 30 September and Dr C's letter to him was touching. I teared, like many others. Then I went to mop the floor. It was something I had to do today. There were a few things I had to do other than tackle Ethnic Chinese as Southeast Asians and Visuality and Identity and I am glad I did because it had given me the lifeline I was hoping I would find. Titles can be very helpful. The progress today is significant - I am finally walking in a straight line and not in circles. It does not mean I can see the light but at least I know for a fact, and that is important to me, that I am circling a 'line' not a 'circle'. That would make Confinement Day #3 more bearable. I am penning #2 earlier than usual today because there are movies to watch. C was going to call me later, that's when there is free call in 20minute blocks. We usually have to hang up a couple of times. That's one hour's worth of free call. I will look forward to talking to her. The landlord said yes you have to talk to someone, especially, we are women. Yes, how perceptive and insightful. It is a pity I don't speak her vernacular language otherwise, it would be a blast, I would yak non-stop. She called earlier to ask if I would like to join her (and her husband) tomorrow to South Coast, it's a day trip. It would be a break, but I replied, I would be too stressed to enjoy myself. I need to finish the paper. Yes, we have heard it before. D is quite sick of this. He is counting down. Counting to the day I FINISH the paper and well, my 'return'. If tomorrow's weather is as good as today's, I know I can look forward to another great Confinement Day (#3) in the garden. But that's tomorrow.

Confinement Day #1

To qualify - it's not really 'Confinement' if I have the freedom to walk down Renwick street and buy a loaf of bread or a carton of milk or a bag of instant noodles, the spicy type; or if I want I can go further, like today, I thought I should make use of the voucher that entitles me 5 weeklies for a bargain price of $3.95 and so walked the entire street down to Blockbuster some 20 minutes away. It felt like 20 minutes anyway, under the strong, not unbearable, just strong, late afternoon sun. So, no, it's not exactly 'Confinement' but I like to think of it as such. It is convenient to not have to deal with the pretense of having some kind of social life just to prove you are normal. I remember J saying - even the weirdest person would have one friend. But really, the truth is, I enjoy the self-imposed discipline of not having to do anything else but 'finish my paper'. Lunch with R.P. was good today. I enjoy talking to her. There is a fear that it's not going to last though. She is a virgo. But, I am optimistic. There can be exceptions. There had to be something, otherwise she wouldn't volunteer the information that next Thursday she would be on campus. Met the Prof to pick up the 'plan'. No biggie there. It was, as always, if he doesn't say, it probably means it's fine. I choose to think. He had on huge black sunnies and glasses as well. It was the first time I've seen something like that; I actually thought that was pretty cool. The bus trip there was always a pleasure till of course it gets crowded and the air conditioning stops working, and the summer heat starts to creep into the vehicle. What I enjoyed was the wait, that's when I get to look at people. An old man came up to me today. He asked, Are you Chinese? I nodded. He spoke in Mandarin and I replied the same. But he strained to understand me. Strange. Well, not really, we do sound different, my ear may be more attuned to diversity but his probably wasn't. Boy was I starving when I got home and it was not quite 6. It was egg noodles tonight. I was quite sick of instant noodles. I've decided I need to get my act together and quit being so lazy about feeding myself. Cleaning up is just so much easier and faster if all you do is throw in the lot and boil them. So my landlord says I've kept the place spotless. She seemed happy about that. She came just moments ago with a friend. They were talking about the design of the place. Maybe she's going to sell the place. Maybe she is thinking ahead - when I am leaving and someone can take over my place. She rubs her left foot against her other ankle. Yes it's probably time to mop the floor. That will be tomorrow. Tomorrow is Confinement Day #2.